Ash Wednesday

Every period of Lent is different for me. Every pear the period of reflection takes on a different tone, and more often than not it just organically happens. This year is already different in that I was surprised by my reaction from the Ash Wednesday service Wednesday morning.

Something in the liturgy of Lent made me uncomfortable. I don't know specifically what it was, but something reminded me that all sustenance I receive, whether physical or emotional, I receive from the Lord, and (particularly) it sustains me for the purpose of serving the Lord. This, along with themes of repentance caused alarm because: I don't serve the Lord with everything I do. These days a lot of the time I am serving myself. I probably have a lot to be repentant for, to be sorry for, but I couldn't tell you what. I am not aware of the ways in which I am failing the Lord because the Lord, and my purpose here, is not prominent in my thoughts these days. Or at least, serving the Lord first with an attitude of humility is not first in my thoughts. I have become comfortable in my faith and comfortable in past revelations on my spiritual journey. And, for a while now, I have not had a period of mindfulness or extreme closeness in reflection, a closeness between my daily thoughts and my spiritual aspirations.

I probably should be repentful since I don't serve the Lord with all that I have and all that I am. A lot of the time I serve myself. I seek myself, I seek for myself. I am self serving and self seeking in the form of excesses and indulgences that I'm very comfortable with. I surround myself with comforts which I'm, frankly, addicted to.

I guess the takeaway is that I have, for some time now, become complacent. I spend a lot of my energy seeking to serve myself, with some urgency, which is probably not in line with my aspirations to serve the Lord with my whole heart. While part of my has been aware of this before, now I am actively thinking about how that should change.

Already my Lenten meditation has begun, reflecting on the ways in which I spend my time, whether it is only seeking myself, whether I might change, shift, or alter this.

Lent 2017

Each year when I begin Lent, usually just before or during the Ash Wednesday service, I suddenly feel not just introspective, but productively introspective. I feel called to share. Specifically, I feel called to write. Several times, I have started a Lenten blog or journal or something when I rarely add to after the first week, but I think in the long run that's okay.

I've decided to follow my current impulse to write now, as inspired by the beginning of Lent 2 days ago, and if my inspiration continues I'll continue to write and if not, I'll have captured where I was at when entering this year's Lenten fast.

Second week of the fast

It's interesting, having no processed carbs. 

I'm hungry all the time. It's not that I'm used to the feel of carbs in my stomach so I don't feel full when I should, but that I'm just not getting enough calories. I'm 15 days into the fast and by day 10 I was starting to feel tired and week- I guess from being some degree of underfed for so long.

40 days is a great length of time to have a fast- long enough for it to have to be a lifestyle and not just a short episode.

Day 3 - the relationship

This is a piece of what I know, not necessarily how things are.

I am a pledged servant to Him to whom all is owed: all thanks, all love, all fealty, all matter, all devotion.  His province is my life, as is all creation, and my province is to please Him. He has a right to my doings- thought, word, and deed. My only thought should be to serve Him and to please Him. 

What pleases Him, according to some parts of scripture, is obedience and deference. Thus, then, would one please Him by obeying His commandments. And His chief commandments are to love Him and to love others. All else follows from those two. The implications can be unpacked endlessly. 

[Be kind and patient and compassionate toward all, even those that are offensive to you. Protect His works for you show love for an artisan by cherishing and preserving their art. Take care of yourself and love and cherish yourself for the same reason and also so that you are in a better place to support and serve others. ...]

Going back for a moment, as I said He has a right to me, but He does not ever seize that right. My Lord, rightful Master, never ever exerts His authority over me, over any of us. We have totally free reign within this world and life to do as we will. (True, it is within the confines of His creation, the smallest details of which He anticipates if not orchestrates, but that is a line of thought for another time.) We can behave in any number of ways, and there is no one correct course that will please Him. In any course of actions we may swing from pleasing to displeasing Him, from displeasing to pleasing Him.

Day 2 - sweet tooth pangs

Wednesday evening and Thursday were more trying than I had anticipated so early. No sooner had Lent begun than I was struck by a sweet tooth. And things like cookies and chocolates were casually offered to me. More than some unfortunate reverse psychology-type effect, I'm pretty sure it coincides with the approach of my time of the month.

A flaw in having such broad meditations picked out is that, in a moment of distraction when I want something I've given up and must refuse myself, I don't have something conveniently compact to bring  to mind as an alternative. If my meditation were boiled down to a phrase or passage, I could at least recite the words in any moments of need. That would bring my attention immediately to where my focus should be and away from dwelling what I can't have. 

Eh. 

I would rather have a poorly-defined meditation chosen than none at all. I did very little for lent the last three years. Almost nothing. I am in a mind for something compensatorially ambitious. For nothing, really.

"Better than nothing" is not a great phrase to pin on an undertaking meant as an offering to the Almighty. That is also something I think about.

Ash Wednesday

Lent begins again.

This year, I am giving up processed carbs and sweets for lent. No bread, hash browns, tortilla chips, bagels, chocolate, ice cream, etc. It's a little vague, I know, and also kind of broad. To deal with that, I'm specifically allowing any kind of gum (even sweet/fruity), and fresh fruit, fruit juice and smoothies. I'm also vaguely thinking that when the going gets tough I'll replace sweets with meat as a treat. I don't really eat meat, but last year I browned some chicken on the stove and it tasted so good it was like my candy for the week. 

My meditation for this lent is a bit of a mix. The main theme is me actively trying to bring my spirituality, religion, and my active relationship with G-d into my daily life. Become more intentional with all of it. In addition, I intend to use this penitential period to meditate on the question of what should my relationship with the Almighty be, now and eventually, ideally. A natural consequence of keeping Him in my thoughts more readily should also be to make me more acutely aware of and sensitive to the merit or consequence of my daily actions and thoughts in the context of His word. And, of course, I hope to use this space as a part of my meditation, to track as much as to process.

To remember my fast, I have decided to wear a bracelet. It is discrete and light, but I cannot forget the presence of something on my wrist.

There's more, but enough for today. Peace be with you.

On the importance of some particular religion

My religion is a big deal to me, but I mean it when I say I don't need it to be a big deal to others. What I do hope is a big deal, what I hope to spread, is compassionate love and kindness and joy and finding beauty in the world around us, and ourselves, and each other. This is what I hope I preach to others by example. The theology you consider that with is not my concern- you can subscribe to a different theology or another religion or no religion and still if I ever contribute to you having any of that, in those moments my work is successful. I find the highest pleasure and fulfillment in knowing and serving the God I worship, and I believe that when you find beauty in something or have compassionate love in your heart, you know Him, too. When you contribute to others having that, you serve Him, too.