Ash Wednesday

Every period of Lent is different for me. Every pear the period of reflection takes on a different tone, and more often than not it just organically happens. This year is already different in that I was surprised by my reaction from the Ash Wednesday service Wednesday morning.

Something in the liturgy of Lent made me uncomfortable. I don't know specifically what it was, but something reminded me that all sustenance I receive, whether physical or emotional, I receive from the Lord, and (particularly) it sustains me for the purpose of serving the Lord. This, along with themes of repentance caused alarm because: I don't serve the Lord with everything I do. These days a lot of the time I am serving myself. I probably have a lot to be repentant for, to be sorry for, but I couldn't tell you what. I am not aware of the ways in which I am failing the Lord because the Lord, and my purpose here, is not prominent in my thoughts these days. Or at least, serving the Lord first with an attitude of humility is not first in my thoughts. I have become comfortable in my faith and comfortable in past revelations on my spiritual journey. And, for a while now, I have not had a period of mindfulness or extreme closeness in reflection, a closeness between my daily thoughts and my spiritual aspirations.

I probably should be repentful since I don't serve the Lord with all that I have and all that I am. A lot of the time I serve myself. I seek myself, I seek for myself. I am self serving and self seeking in the form of excesses and indulgences that I'm very comfortable with. I surround myself with comforts which I'm, frankly, addicted to.

I guess the takeaway is that I have, for some time now, become complacent. I spend a lot of my energy seeking to serve myself, with some urgency, which is probably not in line with my aspirations to serve the Lord with my whole heart. While part of my has been aware of this before, now I am actively thinking about how that should change.

Already my Lenten meditation has begun, reflecting on the ways in which I spend my time, whether it is only seeking myself, whether I might change, shift, or alter this.